The President of the United States called in to Fox and Friends this morning to announce that he is planning a “really big, really terrific” lunar AND solar event to demonstrate America’s “power and bigness” to the world. “I usually use Twitter to communicate important stuff, but what I have to tell you today is even bigger than a tweet, believe me . . .”, POTUS tweeted at 3:28 AM, “. . . and Fox & Friends is the only real news program, frankly, with the credibility and audience to deserve airing this announcement.”
A few hours later, “F & F” personalities Steve, Ainsley and Brian smiled very bigly, as the interim POTUS rolled out his “frankly, quite massive and very, very large plan — the biggest plan in history, unless you count sending men to the moon, which probably never really happened anyway — a lot of people are saying that.”
Here’s a transcript of the President’s announcement:
“I’ve instructed the amazing people at NASA to do whatever they need to do to move the moon to a position in front of the sun for a few hours on August 21st, 2017. The moon will block the sun’s rays and cast a shadow that moves across our entire country, all the way from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic — from the mountains, to the prairie, to the ocean, white with foam. (My words — poetic) Never in the history of the world has the moon been moved in front of the sun and cast a shadow on the earth before. When I found out from my Junior/Senior Advisor Jared Kushner recently that it might be possible — and no other President ever knew this, not Abe Lincoln, not Frank Underwood, not even Benjamin Franklin, and he flew a kite up into space in a blizzard once. I asked my Chief of Staff Reince Priebus to find out how long it would take to arrange such an event. He checked around and told me that August 21 was the earliest they could get it done, so that’s the date we’re going with.
It’s going to be an all-American celebration like no other. I originally wanted it to be a red-state-only thing, but my Chief Strategist Steve Bannon — he’s a great guy — suggested that we could play up a “Sea to Shining Sea” (trademark – I made that up, too) theme if we planned the route of darkness carefully and bit the bullet by including one blue state (Oregon) and the southern tip of Illinois — which votes red anyway.
Trumpclipse2017: Path of Darkness is going to be wonderful— a long overdue celebration of darkness in a world of too much light — I’ll bet you didn’t know that half the earth is always light — I’m going to change that. It will also show the so-called scientists that America and its rightness is bigger and better than the wrongness of their [airquotes] “theories” based on “evidence”. If it were up to these “scientists”, they’d be sitting around stuffing pens in their pocket protectors, putting more masking tape on their glasses, just waiting for this kind of big sky show to happen on its own. Good luck with that, Science! #idiotgeeks, #unamericanatheists, #stupidlosers, #weakmorons, #dangerous, #bad, #sick, #outofcontrolhillarylovers, #supernerds
So I’m asking that billions and billions of patriotic Americans from all of our 50 (or so) states to flock to places along the Path of Darkness route on August 21 and spend a lot of money on things like these special AmericaFirstGogs darkness-viewing safety glasses that my very sexy and talented daughter Ivanka designed and has available on QVC.
This event will be yet another win for America under my administration (as if Bill Cosby’s mistrial and the Golden State Warriors’ NBA Championship weren’t enough!). America wasn’t winning anything any more until I took office after my landslide electoral college win. Other countries were laughing at us, but now they’re taking note of my accomplishments, and come August, they’ll be cowering in fear, imagining what we could do to them if we have the kind of power it takes to move the moon around in the sky and take the sunshine away. A lot of countries are afraid of the darkness, but not us. True Americans, true patriots, embrace the idea of being in the dark. In fact, many, many of us go through life with our eyes closed.
If Trumpclipse2017: Path of Darkness is as successful as I know it will be, I’ve got another idea up my sleeve. I can’t tell you much about it yet, but let’s just say that Jared’s been telling me that the Earth’s sea level doesn’t necessarily have to always stay where it is right now. Nobody knew that — Jared’s brilliant and very smart — but all I can say is, let’s not miss out on the next opportunity to make America a leader again. Hey, I won the election — that was amazing, right? It doesn’t get any better than this, folks!
I hope to see all you incredible patriots on the side of a highway somewhere in the middle of Nebraska or Wyoming or South Carolina, or one of the other God-and-America-loving states that I’ve carefully chosen for the Path of Darkness on August 21st! (BTW – the eastern part of Oregon is OK, too!)”